ON-CALL

嗨！ 好久没上来写东西了!

最近少看见他, 自然而然， 我的心也慢慢的收起来了。但有时还是会突然想起他。

嘸嘸，矛盾矛盾。

 

今天ONCALL， 刚送走一位病人。 希望接下来的晚上是平静的!

也希望以后可以多上来写写东西，减压减压一点。

凌

很痛…….很疼…….

前几个礼拜, 作了一个恶梦……

梦见我的好朋友怀了你的孩子…..那时候还在上大学…..

是冬天的时候, 路上还堆满了白白的雪, 

我们正一起走路, 去教堂, 看见了她肚子好象藏这什么拟的….

明知道那怀里肯定是你的孩子, 因为她唯一喜欢过的, 只有你,

但还是要从她口中确定….当她以沉默, 点头, 来对待我, 

那时候, 心纠得好紧, 好疼…….

第一次觉的心痛, 原来是那么的难受….

就在那时刻, 我就惊醒了……原来是梦一场…但,那心痛的感觉好真实…..

虽然已经过了几个礼拜, 但那梦还是那么的清楚, 

咳, 希望能尽快把你忘了,  你根本没什么好的, 而且还很多坏习惯, 

为什么, 忘了你, 就那么困难呢? 

应该是很简单的, 对! 一定是很简单! 没什么难的! 

一定要, 尽快把我的心,  从你那收起来, 这样, 我的心就安全了………

心痛原来是真的………很痛…….很疼…….

希望我以后不会是 ‘真实’ 的心痛…..

03/12/2012

Dear diary,

好久没在这写写我的感触了! 咳~ 

实在太懒了! 最近都在追看韩剧, 一部接着一部! 好没LIFE 啊! 

可是自己知道这样好没LIFE, 但就是不能克制那渴望童话般的爱情故事的欲望, 因为只有在戏剧里才有那完美的爱情啊! 怎么办! 每一天, 就是早上起来, 早餐,看戏,工作, 回来, 看戏, 睡觉…..

就这样过着每一天! 

咳, 听说新的 transfer list 出了, 好象没看到我的名字! 觉得好失落…. 咳, 又要多待几个月在加碧了! 好伤心…… 

主啊, 是不是我太不积极祷告才这样呢? 好想快一点离开这里啊! 

凌

你, 最近好吗 ?

好久没上这博客吐吐我的心声了….

前几个礼拜真的好忙…可是不知道为什么在忙碌中的我,  反而晚上睡觉还梦见你…..而且还不是一次….怎么会这样呢? 难道想你了吗?

刚看完这部在台湾超级闻名的一部电影 “那些年我们一起追的女孩”

对我来说, 只有两个字来形容这电影 – 平静

戏中有段话,

“常常听人家说,恋爱最美好的时候, 就是暧昧的时候,

等到真正在一起了, 很多感觉都会消失不见..”

难道就是因为那样, 我们才一直没在一起吗? 还是因为只有我在单恋…

突然觉得戏中的他们好象以前的你和我, 只是我们的结局还是个问号`..

我们会有可能在一起吗? 还是会跟戏里的一样, 最终还是没在一起? 

算了, 该准备 oncall 去了....... 

MeRRy Christmas dear...

Going to celebrate my first christmas here in UK...
Hope this is my first and will be my last one...
Had a good time with fellow nurses....
Thanks to them for driving me around for house visiting...
So much foods to eat...and most importantly, there's pork!
Yummy...

Wanted to greet you christmas personally today but am feeling awkward about it..
So, just let me wish you here...

MeRRy Christmas dear! Hope you had a good one..

Refused to go Back to UK

Sigh...like my friends said, why do all good things come to an end ? ? ?
Finished my 5 days leave today...
Time to go back to UK for work...

Really feel like staying back at home all the time!
Refused to go back! Can I?

Heart is aching now... Why?
Cause i didn't see you today...
Thought you will be asking me out for supper or movie...
But time passed... checked my phone on and off...but none of your msg...
HAih.....hate myself falling for you....why you? why? ? ?
Why there's no one who can make me fall for him even more than you?
Sien!

Time to sleep .... Hope for a good dream tonight...

MiSSing you...

Saw you yesterday,
Saw you today,
Wondering if you are going out with someone currently,
Wondering if you are thinking I am going out with someone,
Cause I m still missing you...
Why and how can I still missing you...
Really and seriously missing you...

Good friend has already own a family,
I can't always ask him for help so freely like last time whenever I have trouble,
Cause he has his own family and trouble to take care of,
Now, I really hope you will always be ready to help if I have any trouble.
Will you ?

Sigh....time pass really fast...
No matter how and what you do,
Life has to keep going,
From the bottom of my heart, hoping you will be the one holding my hands,
For the rest of our life ...
I miss you, dear.... sigh....

*i hate me missing you =( *

片头曲 "夏家三千金" : 《你画的彩虹》- 姜洋

我们明明喜欢着对方,

但为什么就那么难表达出来呢?

已经过了8 年了, 可为什么有时侯还会想到你呢?

为什么还会希望我们能在一起呢?

一个星期

最近正在追看两部电视剧….

夏家三千金..和..爱情睡醒了..

我用了一个星期把这两电视剧看完..

因为里面的爱情故事实在太吸引人了..

有时真的好羡慕那些演员, 因为他们可以体验到那种热帅气美丽恋完美爱情的感觉...

哪怕那只是在电视里...

我呢? 就每天把自己埋没在工作里...

上班下班...然后吃饭看电视剧....

但愿自己也能体验到电视剧里的那种帅气美丽爱情...

属于自己的真爱…

真爱啊, 何时才停留在我这里呢...

without you in it....

slept early last nite at 11.30 pm...

had a long and nice sleep till 7.30am....

during this sleep, i dreamed of me with a bunch of friends, in kursk, in a train, going to a town for a visit...

that journey was long , we even have to go through the ocean, and i saw dolphins swimming around....

then there're very huge fruits in that town too.....

after reaching that town, i saw Johnny was barbecue-ing ....

and i saw people playing basketball, badminton and etc...

i was looking around searching if you were there but in vain.....

then my phone alarm ring.... time to wake up .....

this time, you weren't in the dream.....

请你嫁给我.................

我能从一千个从我身边经过的人中, 听出你的脚步,

因为那九百九十九个人的脚步踏在地上,

只有你的脚步踏在我的心上,

所以无论你走得多么远, 走到哪里,

我都不会遗失你,

但希望你哪里都不要去,

请永远留在我身边, 同我一起走过剩下的所有岁月

***, 我爱你, 从开始到现在一直到未来,直到我死的那一秒,

请你嫁给我.................

~ 爱 情 睡 醒 了- 13 ~

SIgh, you again in my dream...

Took a two hour nap before my 3 pm shift...

GUess what? FOr that short nap, i dreamed of him again.

We were all working in an old hospital with others colleague as well.

At that time, he and I were like a couple....

We teased each other, hugs, played around and etc.....

And poof ! Dream bubbles popped!....

Time to work!

Why? Why him again in my dream?

Am I still hoping something in him?

What's it? Why is it?

I cant even understand myself...........................

Bad dream..

Had a very bad dream yesterday night....
My elder brother just came back home from Bintulu. He said he was attacked by many people and was admitted to Bintulu Hosp and eventually discharged well but noted his body had many healed wound and also his skin was like separated from the muscle and also many left open laceration wounds. So i brought him in to Emergency to stitch up the laceration wound and also to dress his wound. During the process of wound dressing, noted he slowly become drowsy and everything seems to crush, showing impending shock. Thus, he needed to be intubated as GCS dropped. I thought I will be very calm and cool cause I have seen so many and even worse cases than this. But at the moment i know my brother needed to be tubed, I was so worried, holding his shivering hands and cried cause i know once patient intubated, mortality of the patient will shoot up way far from recovery.

Was so so worried that my brother couldn't make it through and survive. AFter my brother being tubed, I finally woke up from my sleep, and only realized that it was only a dream....Thank GOd..

4 years ago, when i was in Kursk, I had once a bad dream too.. Also involved my family members, both my parents.
I was working in Emergency, then suddenly 2 trolley pushed in, and there were my dad and mom, who involved in a very serious accident. Both were pushed into the Red zone. There, I was so scared that both of my parents will leave me alone at such an early time. I was crying and woke up with tears rolling down my cheeks, only i know it was only a dream. A scary and bad dream. I hoped that dream never came true when I work in EMergency.

Please GOd, dont take away my parents and my family too early. I need them.
If it's possible, please bring me back to You earlier than them.

Looks alike

Saw one ortho HO, who looks like you....

His height, his back, really looks exactly like yours,

There's a few times when I saw him, i thought he's you...

And today, he's there almost all the time,

Also at the same time, reminding me of you.....

Damn.............

Its Time....

Well...It's time to let him go....

I know I have been saying the same thing years back....

And my good friends around me also said the same thing cause it's not worth it, to waste my time on him..

But still, from time to time, there's still this tiny part of me, hoping to have a good ending with him,

Although he's not the kind of guy I wanted,

He's such a lazy, bossy, always think about the simplest and easiest way to get what he wanted-$$,

Also ambitious-less, full-time liar, damn irresponsible,

Of all these bad attitude, there's only one is good- stingy.....

Because of that, I've always hope he could change all his bad habits when he slowly maturing,

But, seems like it's the other way round,

I hope this will be the last time I said "letting him go".

Bye-Bye-love

Hemoptysis...

Had a long hour sleep yesterday...

from 12 pm to 7.30pm, then again

from 3am till 9.30am....

Why after a 7 hour sleep in the evening, i still slept for 6 hours at night?

And that night sleep, I dreamed of me getting hemoptysis, the coughing up of blood...

Was never expected that me can get such a serious sudden onset of hemoptysis...

Everyone said in A+E department will get sick once for sure....and I proudly said that I will never get sick since I had been in that department for more than 2 weeks and also safely came out from medical department without getting sick.

I thought this time, I am going to eat my own words.............

Gradually, my hemoptysis getting more and more serious, and I still think it's just a usual flu, maybe my flu was different from others, because I refuse to get it investigated....

Refuse to know the truth that I dont wanna know...eventhough death is not scary for me...

Cause I dont wanna go through a suffering-trying-to-fight-for-life death.....

I want a sudden and unpainful death.............

Then suddenly, I am back to my reality...............My real world....before I can die in my own dream..............

Almost 2 years....

Almost 2 years already since I started my HO-ship....

Almost 2 years, I've been back to my home....

And within this almost 2 years, my brother's marriage life, which started with a marriage vow, is now desperately signing off with a divorce letter.

I don't know what had happened between this young couple, and I also don't wanna know how did that divorce thought came between them. What I know is, they shouldn't have started in the beginning if they are ending it like this.

Sigh...what a bad example in my family.

Also, listening to my own mum keep complaining about my dad's this & that, and seeing their relationship slowly progressing to an unlovely and cold one, makes me think that the real marriage life is not that happy as what happened in the series.

That's why till now, I am still wandering whether to start dating him or not...

I know we both tried to be out together, but both of us felt so awkward together alone,

Is it because we know each other too much?

I didn't know since when we stopped seeing each other,

Maybe both of us are too tired for this already.

But, if once I started, I want it to be as sweet as what portrayed in my korean series.

But, anything can happen in between....and I cant take that risk for that anything to happen.....

I'm scared, I don't wanna to get hurt,

Thus, I still prefer that nothing will happen between us....

I am happy to be single now....till I can find someone really worth my time and love on him....

Even that, I still hope that he will be that someone someday for ME.......

First Choice

* Maybe you're always someone's first choice,

You never wondered about me?

I like you, I've always liked you,

You're Home for me....* said by Ethan in "Something Borrowed"

Who are my first choice?

Are you ?

I've never been into someone this long, 8 years....

And I'm still thinking about you on and off,

Wondering what are you doing at the same time,

Does that tell me you are my first choice?

Who are you to me?

Definitely not a home for me......Then what?

What am I to you then?

Am I, you first choice? Definitely not...........

Anyway, I am still happy for what I am now......

Also happy that you are still the old you...... hohohoho....

Me operated...

had a weird dream again..........

Dream about me being operated by a surgeon without a proper anaesthesia.....
Because of my sleepiness, the surgeon thought there's something wrong with my brain, so he decided to operate on my brain and take that something which cause my sleepiness out of my brain. His skill was very good that i only feel a slight pain during operation.
Besides, he also operated my heart and my lungs and i could see that my aorta is sclerosis-ing, then after that he just put everything into a empty compartmental human doll, then put it back into my body and my head and stitched it up. Then i am alive again, and the stitches were nice, like I was never been operated.....

3PM

Current time 1.40pm, another one hour to go to work..........

Yesterday was PM tagging, the last day of tagging, from 1 pm to 11 pm.
Green zone wasn't that busy yesterday, manageable.
Until 10.30pm, no more case to see cause i think the MA piled up the case outside then only bring in a few cases together later on....So, better dont take any case for then on, otherwise, if it's a complicated case, i might stay up till 12 am to settle the case...... Able to go back at 11pm sharp yesterday............ so happy...

Reached home @ 11.30pm, mum had already sleeping, brother staying overnight at his wife's house, me after shower, took 2 buns, with one big cup of cold green beans, locked my door and watched my favorite korean series...hohoho....

Woke up at 6.30am, wondering how did i get into sleep when i was watching my series, anyway, i haven't finish my series yet, so was going to continue my series, then i heard mum tried opening my door....shit... got to go back to bed sleeping, if not, she's gonna wake me up for house work.... So, slowly she got a key to open up the door..... that's the good thing of locking the door...so that you have the time get ready before got caught...haha....

She took all my dirty clothes out and my left over plates and cups and left my room......but i felt asleep after she left the room, thought of waking up after one hour to help her drying all the clothes but ended up sleeping till 10 am.........got a brief headache after such a long sleep with a weird dream, this time was bout staying in a new room with the same roomate again, i dont know where was it, but it's a hostel room where i got the same roomate again......then was cleaning the room half way, i woke up d..........

it's a Saturday morning.........took my simple breakfast and continued on with my last episode of series........then hanging around with my niece a while, then back to my computer, surfing net, waiting for the 3pm shift.....sigh.........cant go to tonight's talk at Hilton......

Boring life but peaceful.....Enjoying the peacefulness though......

Saw his msn nudge this morning but didnt get to reply cause I was still in my dream,
Was he off today? miss hanging around with him.....
hmm.......lets go on with my own business...........

Hope today's green zone will be free-ier than yesterday...................

Off to work now! arghhhh!!